I was recently asked if I think it?s OK for girls to be promiscuous. The question that immediately jumped to my mind was why are you asking about girls and not about boys? The answer of course is that is OK for boys to be promiscuous ? boys are encouraged to be sexually active, and they?re often sneered at if they?re not, while girls are discouraged from being sexually active, and are often called sluts if they are. But wait a minute ? who are boys supposed to be sexual with if girls are not doing it? Since I?m a gay woman, the answer seems obvious to me ? and yet, it also doesn?t fit with society?s judgments. It?s one of those great non-sensical conundrums that has led me to believe social mores are just plain weird.
So, is it OK for girls to sleep around? Well, that depends on their motivation. For many girls, seducing men is a source of power in a world where they mostly experience themselves as powerless. Ideally, they could find another source of personal power that doesn?t depend on how others react to them, and adults around them could help them to do that. After all, that should really be the job of the parents: making sure their kids grow up with appropriate self-esteem and avenues for their personal gifts. On the other hand, it might be that a girl?s gift is manifested in sexual activity, and she gets a great deal of fulfillment from having lots of sex. I have no problem with that ? sex is a wonderful thing, and people who are in their sexual power, and able to define clearly what they want sexually are truly bringing a gift into the world, one from which all their partners and the world in general can benefit.
One of the biggest problems for younger people is to find good information about sex. Many people are still afraid to talk about it in an open and real way. Very few parents can advise their kids adequately about sex, and other people are afraid of being called perverts if they talk openly. The Internet is a good source of information for many things, but when it comes to sex, there is a great deal of unrealistic rubbish. I foresee a time when there will be specific people that kids can talk to about sex in complete confidence, without any judgments about what they ought to be doing or ought not to be doing, and I will certainly celebrate the day that happens. In the meantime, the best way for a girl to find out is by trial and error (hopefully she has enough information to be using safe sex methods). If she?s really lucky she comes from a family where she has been encouraged to masturbate, and then she can find out for herself what her body wants. Sadly, most girls are not encouraged to play with their own bodies or to talk about sex, and so she may end up experimenting endlessly with boys who also don?t know anything, and also are afraid to ask. That?s not a recipe for good sex, but the human spirit is amazingly resilient, and I know from my own personal experience that the day can always arrive when you say both yes and no with equal determination.
Mikaya Heart is the award-winning author of The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women, and other books.?
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